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How could you better “green” your life? What’s holding you back?
Sponsored by One Million Acts of Green brought to you by Cisco..
I could be green in my life in a few different ways. One of the main ways I pollute is actually through smoking. I pollute the cigarette butts into the environment. Granted, I could do much worse, however I think of the sheer number of butts I've contributed to the environment and it's horrifying.
Luckily, I've set myself to a quite date of May 1. I find I'm more able to follow through on challenges in Spring, when the weather is nice and my mood tends to be at its best, so it'll be a good time for me to make this goal again. I've tried quitting unsuccessfully several times now, but I'm really getting my mind into it as opposed to going "ok, no more" as I've done in the past.
Another way I could do it is by walking/biking more. Winter has been shitty in this respect because, well, it's been a rough winter here in New England and driving, in a lot of ways, has been safer. I'm lucky enough to have an apartment complex where it's a short walk to most of the things in life I need - a super market (3 actually), drug store (2 of those), any other supplies I would need (staples, AAA, even Starbucks). I'm going to be making an effort to walk more because it's good for my physically, I need my vitamin D and I can put less toxins into the air that way. It's just a good thing all around.
I can also shut down my computer at night and make a recycle box for the apartment with returnables (there's no program in my complex for recycling, sadly).
I also may be in the market soon for a more fuel efficient vehicle, which would also help. Eating less fast food (a huge contributor to land fills) is also in order.
The changes I'm making in my life for some selfish reasons are really going to have a huge positive effect on the environment.
One thing at a time, right?
Yes, I listen to this song a lot.
ANYWAY, the weirdest thing just happened to me.
I noticed that there was a distortion in the earbuds I use to listen to music on the computer. The vocals sounded like they were under water, no matter what genre I was listening to -- folk, trance, techno, indie-pop, pop. I thought it strange and started fiddling with iTunes equalizer settings, to no avail.
So, I went to the main Windows volume controls. I started playing around with levels, but it wasn't working.
In a flashbang of inspiration, I decided to move the "wave" function from the center, balanced, position to the right. Instant fix!
And now I'm wondering, does that mean that one of my ears is more sensitive to one type of sound than the other? Like, I have a vocals ear and a supporting noise ear? I've noticed the change a little bit, but not as blatant as tonight and I've done no real changing to the settings on the controls -- aside from overall volume.
Just as a sidenote, I use a headset for work and the side which picks of voices better, supposedly, is the side where people literally talk in my ear all day.
I did put it to the other side and the effect was pretty much the same, but it was stronger on the right ear.
Huh.
Apparently the charger was left at training and there's been illness.
Doesn't explain last week, but it's an explanation.
Why does this make me feel like such a retard?
(this song is ironically fitting. here's the letter--)
Hey,
So, I know this is going to come to you at a time when it's probably not going to be the best for you to deal with it or process it at all. I'm also sorry if this wakes you up in the middle of the night because your cell rings, but I've had a lot going on in my head and I feel the need to just clear it all out and tell you everything. This is going to be very, very long.
Firstly, I want to apologize for my incredibly melodramatic text I sent you earlier today. I was hyper emotional, as I've been a lot lately, and when that happens, I tend to think I'm a burden to others. You've been the one person I've talked to the most through the last several months and so it was directed towards you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it and it probably annoyed the ever living shit out of you. I know if I got a text like that, it would probably make me grumpy or, at the very least, roll my eyes.
I'm going to start with the simple fact that in the last few months you've, quite honestly, become one of my best friends. We've talked about a whole lot of stuff that I simply don't share with everyone. I feel comfortable talking to you in a way I've never, ever experienced in my entire life. I just had this instant trust in you for some reason. It's probably my naivete showing, but I can't deny the fact that I felt something -- even if it was the beginnings of an amazing friendship.
I feel stupid typing this out, even right now, because I feel like you probably have already sensed this. I do rely on you a lot more than I'd like to admit. Even if it's just being a sounding board for the fact that my life, at this very moment, is a complete cluster of shit that I don't even know how to manage. I've been thinking a lot about what it is I want to do with myself, where I want to be, and how I can make it work. It just so happens that New Orleans fell into my lap, but I've been thinking about this since I got out of school.
On a deep level, you have a lot of what I want my life to be. You're successful (even if you downplay it); you're secure; you've been able to move so far from home, but still maintain a closeness to the important people from back home. I would be lying if I said I wasn't seeking that for myself. I think that's a lot of what's going on my head. I want so much to have so much of what you have, even if you don't see it as good as I do in my own head. Quite honestly, I'm afraid I won't be as successful as you've been so far, and will continue to be.
You've been a real support to me. You've listened to me go on and on about so much that I can't help but feel like I've poured myself out to you. But, there's a reciprocity there that I can't deny, either. I do also know a lot about you and your life. We have a mutual trust on some level and I appreciate that about what we have.
I would be a liar if I didn't say that I am still very much into you. I had been able, up until very recently, to honeymoon the two of us in my head. Making every little thing into a sign of something more than, I think, it was.
The rational part of my mind told me that I was making more of what was, but the emotional part of me really did want something more to be there. I wanted you to like me as much as I like you, as high school as that sounds. But, I have also been afraid to tell you anything because I didn't want the friendship we have to change or be threatened and because I didn't want this thing I'd built up in my head to be broken in some way.
I know I'm foolish and naive and young and stupid. I know that I'm probably coming off as some crazy stalker-type person and I wouldn't blame you if you're thinking I'm insane. I probably deserve it, all things considered.
I knew when I went to visit you after my Louisiana vacation that I'd have a real test to see if what was going on in my head matched what was going on.
Since I'm being uncharacteristically vulnerable right now, I'm going to continue to press on and tell you that I was disappointed.
I wasn't disappointed in you. I still do like you a great deal in a platonic sense. I think you're a great person and an even better friend. I was disappointed because, as much as my emotional self tried to do it, I came out on the other side of our time together confused and more vulnerable than I thought possible.
I had wanted to talk to you about what it was you thought was going on as far as our friendship, but I didn't. It was cowardly of me because, honestly, I think it would have put me in a much better place now than I'm in, especially considering everything else in my life that's now up in the air or in flux. Though I knew, deep down, that the answers I was seeking were not the answers I was going to get. I knew that when you picked me up from the airport.
We had done nothing more than cuddle in bed before, during and after sleeping the entire time I was there. The romantic part of me says it's because we were not wanting to cross each other's boundaries and go too far. The logical part of me says it's because I had initiated it the first night. The cynical part of me says that it's because I was there and a warm body. The paranoid part of me says it's because you felt some sort of obligation to (as irrational as that sounds).
As much as I would have liked things to have progressed farther, I completely accept that they didn't. When I first left, I chalked it up to both of us not wanting to cross any lines with each other the other was uncomfortable with. As things settled back into life as somewhat usual and you had gone to training, I realized something very important: I have been taking this way more seriously than you probably have.
Since I've been down to see you, I've not gotten any texts back and I've called you once and IMd you once. You've honestly seemed either distracted or disinterested. It's like going there actually put me lower on your priority list than I was before. We've been communicating in the same ways for so long that it's become part of my routine to do these things, and it's been distressing to me to not hear from you.
The rational part of me says that you've been gone for a week from work and you need to catch up and get back into the loop with the projects you've got going on. They're constantly going and you need to get back in the game and contributing again. I understand how important work is to you. You are always on your phone checking e-mail and doing other messages. It takes up a really substantial amount of your time, and I'm understanding and accepting of that.
I have a hard time reconciling it because before I was down, we were communicating in some way almost every day. Whether I called you, you called me, we texted or IMd, we were always talking to each other somehow. And now that's dropped off to nothing and I'm just really confused.
I don't know what's happened or is happening to make this change exist, and my paranoia takes over. I don't know if it's something I did, something I didn't do, or something completely unrelated to me. I know I'm not the center of your universe, but I've had friendships in my past just up and end and I still have no idea why it happened. It plays directly into an insecurity I have about myself -- that I'm really not the person I think I am and that the person I really am is someone who is better off with no friends at all.
I completely acknowledge that none of this is your fault and that some of this is probably coming as a complete surprise. I also acknowledge that this may drive you further to not talk to me again. In writing this, I have to accept that this is a huge risk -- and with huge risk comes huge benefit or huge defecit. I'm hoping that this will help me move into a better place in my head because I need to put this to rest in my mind.
I may have mischaracterized what you've been doing and what's been going on in your life. I will admit that I probably don't know everything that's going on and that working off of what I know is really dangerous. Taking a little information from a broad spectrum is not a good plan, and never has been. In trying to make myself feel better, I've been trying to rationalize myself into a hole that I can then cover in dirt and move on from. I've not been able to do it and it's been making it worse for me.
I should end this with some apologies because I feel like I'm an idiot, here. I want to apologize for just letting all of this build up on you. I apologize for dumping all of this on you at once. I apologize if I've completely just pushed myself way the hell out of your life. I apologize if I've gotten everything wrong.
I don't expect you to respond to this. Honestly, I don't even know what I expect to come of this e-mail at all. I just felt that if I just put it all out there in a way I was comfortable expressing it, I could get myself to a better place.
I don't want to lose your friendship; it's really what matters to me right now as I've come to really rely on your support. More than I've ever really to anyone.
I feel really stupid and bashful and, really, ashamed right now. But, I feel honesty, even in the face of integrity, is more important than anything else.
Best,
James
I'm in the process of e-mailing him. I've found that I have an inability to call him and talk to him because of my own vulnerability issues.
I have no idea what's going to come of this and I'm really nervous. I just know I need to clear the air in a big way, if just to give myself a way to move on if I need to.
Remember how, when I first started this, I would post the song I was listening to at the time in the title? I think I'm going to bring that back.
I've got a lot on my mind again regarding what I talked about the other day, as well as other things.
I'll start with other things this time, since I didn't even get to them as I got so focused on talking about moving.
I have this really interesting tendency to conflate things in my head and build this bubble around myself. I can think things are really great and everything is building around itself in this awesome way, while completely ignoring everything that could be going on -- or the opposite could also be true, when I conflate everything into being negative and it's all falling apart. I attribute this to some of my more bipolar-esque tendencies, but I think it's an easy out for the fact that, really, deep down I'm a dreamer. I like being lost in my own head and getting everything down pat to some sort of judgment on it, screw everything else.
It's a great strength, but most of the time it's one of my biggest personal liabilities.
I went to see I Love You, Man tonight with my cousin and her girlfriend. It was great to see them, but, as any relationship oriented movie does, it got me thinking about my own relationships and where I sit right now.
Things with Mystery Man are really not what I have been making them out to be. Yes, it's true we're really great friends and we're very close in that sense, but that's really it. We're not together, not really heading towards being together at this point and I've been making it into something because I wanted it to be that way so badly. So, so badly, in fact, I was really ignoring much more of what was going on.
To be blunt, we're really good friends and we talk all the time because we're really good friends. Nothing more than that. I like him a great deal, but I don't think it's reciprocated in quite the same way. I'm going to call him tomorrow and just level with him because, honestly, I think he deserves it. I shouldn't be carrying all this around; it'll be good to be honest and I think only good can come of it.
This is going to sound really melodramatic, but I think that I really wanted it to be more than it is because of a few factors. Firstly, the majority of my friends, and even family in my generation, are in very serious relationships. Because I'm not in a relationship, I feel like I'm failing on some level.
Logically, I know this is a complete lie on my part. It's a jealousy of their stability mixed with the fact that, as much as I'm sex positive, I'm not someone who just runs off and fucks random people (most usually, anyway -- I'm not the village bicycle).
Being single has allowed me to get a lot in the past year and a half I've been single. I've, again, learned a lot about myself and I've come out stronger -- but I also think more closed. I keep my cards pulled close because I've grown a natural distrust for people. There are some people I've grown to trust and talk to about most anything - and I hope those people do know who they are because they mean a tremendously great deal to me.
I also think it's allowed me to become an even more honest person. I feel as if I've changed in a lot of ways, even if they're subtle. My friendships that I had before had gotten stronger, for the most part, and I've been able to form friendship since that time that I feel are worthwhile. I have changed, even if I sometimes feel like the same person.
Being single has also reminded me how much a relationship can be great, but also how it can be burdensome. I now know a crew of people who are set to make rest-of-their-life commitments to their partner of choice. While none of them have taken the vows yet, it reminds me that I don't even have someone I'm dating, let alone living with, let alone thinking about nesting forever with.
While being awe of their ability to make this decision, I'm also downtrodden about the idea that I don't even have a potential anything about that.
And then, while all this maelstrom is swirling, I get this opportunity. I get this opportunity to move away from everything I've ever known. Everything I've ever loved. Everything I've grown up in and lived in and had to call my own.
It's at once an opportunity to start myself over and new and really get myself moving. A once in a lifetime opportunity, really. It's also a chance for me to escape.
I've been analyzing a lot about my motives for getting out. Some of them are pretty apparent: I'm feeling stagnant and restless with the way things have been. I've been needing to get out of here for a long time and have been trepidacious about how to make that happen. I've been having a "change of scene" meme in my life for years -- with getting out of college, changing positions at work, moving out of the house -- and this is a rather drastic change of scene.
Others of my motives can be seen at a bit devious. It's my chance to let go of all the chains of my older selves. It's my chance to ESCAPE from all this shit I have up here. It's my chance to really test my grit and see what I'm made of. It's also my chance to really know the extent of some of my relationships.
I know deep down that a good number of my relationships with people will either immediately die off, or peter off slowly into the ether. It happened after high school; it happened after college (even in college); it'll happen again. It's not even so much the distance, as I've never lived or worked more than 40 minutes from where I grew up, so much as the chance in lifestyle. Something changes in your life and you'll keep a friendship, or it'll die.
I'm honestly terrified about what I could lose by moving. I've been thinking about it a lot in the times I'm not otherworldly excited about it. I could, quite honestly, lose everything but my family. I don't anticipate it happening as I have friends who are like my siblings and I love them so much it pains me to think about losing them (which is why I've been in throes of excitement and sorrow). There are some people I, honestly, don't think I could live without their support -- Alli, Beth, Angela (as much as you may be surprised to read it), Karen even Mystery Man.
I value and love these people so very much. We're so close and have such a bond and understanding and I'm terrified to lose that. I don't want to move away and move away from their love. When I think about that, I have to hold myself back from tears -- not because crying is weak, but because if it starts, they won't stop.
I've been slowly expanding the amount of people who know about this. Only a few people have known since the real beginning of this that I'd been thinking about (I ironically say on an open blog post.. though most don't read this). As things have become more certain and more real, I've been telling more people.
It's started as something which "would be good for me, and a great opportunity" to something which has blossomed into a whole lot more. I'm afraid I'm bubbling about this and I'm ignoring hard facts or problems. I've been trying to be pragmatic -- but these arrows, as I've talked about, they just keep pointing.
I'm worried about what would happen if something went wrong with my mother (someone I don't talk about very often) or Al. I'd be 1500 miles away from them and would need to drop everything to get up here to help, if needed. My mother is really ill with lung disease -- to the point of being on the lower side of an organ donor list. I don't know what I would do if I was helpless to do anything from halfway across the country. I know, intellectually, that if something did happen I wouldn't be allowed to help, but emotionally I feel like I would be letting her, and everyone else, down if I wasn't here to do something -- or try or be available to do something. It's a real struggle for me to be in this potential for a situation of helplessness. I feel helpless already being up here, what am I going to do when I'm half a continent away?
I know I can't tell my mother this because she doesn't want her illness to be a burden on anyone else. My father feels the same way: I can't go too far because if something happens, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. He's more directly involved in everything and he would never be able to forgive himself with this huge pressure of guilt. I would have it, too, clearly, but I don't think he'd ever be able to recover.
I don't know if I could forgive myself if I was unable to be here to help my Mom if somethind happened. As much as I admit it sparingly, at heart, I'm a big Momma's Boy. My mother and I are close in a way which is kind of beyond words -- we just are. I worry about her sometimes. She's the one I call when things all go to shit. She's the one I call when I get really excited about something. It's taken me years to get to this, but I've come to appreciate and love my mother as I think only a son could.
And here I am about to leave her behind when, at some point in the future, she's going to need me more than ever.
As much as I'm excited and optimistic about leaving and starting something awesome and being adventuresome and living my life to the fullest potential, I'm afraid I'm abandoning everything I've ever known and ever loved in an attempt to just scape out my stake of land. It's this insidious thought that keeps aching inside me -- am I going because it's so great, or am I going because "the grass is always greener"?
There are a lot of pros and a lot of cons to having this huge, life-changing event happen. The pros outnumber the cons very decently.
I also know this is a chance which will never happen again. I also know that if I don't do this, I'll be haunted by the perpetual "what if" and it'll be one of my life's greatest regrets.
I want to die regreting the things I've done in my life; not regreting the things I wish I did.
I'm really starting to digest what I'm doing here. I talked with Emily, my future roommate, about the logistics of my moving down there and all the shit I'd need to do. We talked about neighborhoods, all the research I've been doing into the city, what kind of place we'd want to live in, job prospects and all of that.
We talked about the practicalities of moving Sunny down (as I'm not intent on giving the little furball up). She told me she'd fly up and we could drive down together: me in the new car and her in a U-Haul.
We started talking about when would be a good time to move and get a place. And while it's a comfort that it is "up to whenever's best for [me]", I still don't know when that would be.
In the past 24 hours, moving has become something that's gone from an idea on paper to something much more real.
I'm very overwhelmed, excited, exhilirated, terrified and worried. It's such an overwhelming array of emotions that I literally have been on a knife's edge of emotion. I've been going from totally fine to completely down to all right to really excited to incredibly sad.
I've been keeping to myself as a result, as my mood is a rollercoaster (people who follow me on twitter know it as the moodcoaster) normally -- it's been kicked into hyper drive.
This is really happening. It's so surreal and so real. This is so strange.
So, I think a certain someone I talk about a lot and lives out of state may be ignoring me. We'll see what happens -- I sent him a text telling him I had big news and all that shizz because, well, look at the last entry. No response.
I then see him online on a site we both frequent. I know he's home.
I'm being neurotic and I need to quit it. I'm going to call him tomorrow like I said I would and see if I get bumped to voicemail. Then, it'll be time for me to just let it all pour out since, you know, I'm now on the "fuck you" button.
Dear Life,
Why must I make you way more difficult and complicated than you need to be? Why can't I just accept things as they are and not neurotically over-analyze every little thing that happens?
Love, James
I feel like I'm taking 3 steps forward 2 steps back in my life at the current moment. Progress, but backsliding, too.
I'm so all over the place and I need to chill the fuck out.
So, you know how I did French immersion almost 2 years ago? Well, I had a professor, I think I've mentioned her before, who is a survivor of the Rwandan genocide. For all you francophones, she's just released a book about her experience!! http://www.editionslaurenceteper.com/fiche-livre.asp?Clef=41
So you can buy it on amazon: http://amazon.qc.ca/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=berthe+kayitesi&x=0&y=0
I want to pick it up and read it. Sometimes inspiring people just fall into your lap and you don't even really stop a moment to think about it.
Onto other things, though, as this is my blog and I'm egotistical like that.
I've been all over the place mentally lately. Though, I want to focus on one subject which will bleed into others, but I should start somewhere, right?
I've been looking into moving to New Orleans. It seems like a drastic thing which will pass in the coming days, but I've taken some steps to make this plan actually happen, and it feels good, if strange.
I spent a chunk of the morning texting with Emily about the possibility of moving and what it would entail, time lines and all that stuff. I e-mailed Tulane about their French and Business programs, their non-traditional student application process and some of their student services. I've yet to hear back from Tulane, but I got an out of office message telling me the counselor who specializes with Massachusetts prospective students will be out of the office until tomorrow. We'll see how that goes with that.
As for moving, I'm toying with the idea of getting rid of my car completely when I do it. The one hang up, though, is that it limits my ability to get around a lot. New Orleans has a bus system and limited tram/street car. Most of the getting around, especially getting out, of the city is through car. I also would need a method by which to get out in the event of an evacuation for a hurrican (which is a possibility since I'd be moving to a lovely hurricane prone area).
My car loan is up in June, so it gives me the opportunity to buy a new one or ditch it all together. I'm leaning toward buying a new (as in, like, I'm the first owner new) car and learning how to drive manual. If I can drive manual, I can pay what I pay now for this car with something that's going to easily last me 10 years. I've been looking into getting a station wagon (yes, station wagon) because it gets the gas mileage of a sedan while have a lot more storage space (because, with evacuation, I'm going to want to take my valuables like my computer in case of severe damage or looting). It'll also allow me to ship less stuff when I move because I can drive with it. I'll also be able to drive a new car down there without worrying as much if it's going to shit out on me.
There's also been a lot of BIG SHINING ARROWS for me going down South, as I've explained to a few people.
Firstly, I've been feeling very stagnant and stuck up here. I've been wanting a change of big proportions even when I was in school. I was placated for a while moving out of the house and establishing myself, but it's waned because I've not been able to land a better job with more potential up here. Everything I'm looking for requires this magical "3+ years experience" for something that is, really, not anything someone with that many years needs to do the job. I've got the skills and the talent, but no one is interested in hiring me. It sounds like time to go back to school and investigate greener pastures.
Secondly, Emily point blank asked me if I'd be interested in moving in with her in New Orleans before I went down there to visit. It had totally taken me by surprise, and I didn't just say "no" on instinct. I was open to the idea, even if I hadn't considered it. I like Louisiana a great deal, and I definitely want to get out --even if just for a couple years.
Thirdly, I think New England is making me into someone I really don't want to be. I desperately fighting the exclusivity and coldness that typifies the culture here. It's not to say I want to go running around chatting every random person up; I just feel like New England is making me into a hard, distrusting and even distant person. I need to get out of this for the betterment of myself.
Fourth, I've encountered absolutely no heavy resistance from anyone I've talked to when mentioning my desire to move down South. It's all been "GO FOR IT!" It's really refreshing to know I've surrounded myself with such supportive people who really encourage me to go out and do, but it also shows how much getting out and getting away is really in my self-interest. I'd miss everyone dearly up here because you all are (some literally) my family. I would never forget or leave any of you in the dust because I love you all way too much to do that to you.
The people that I've talked to about it have actually helped me push my ass into doing this and somewhat committing to it. I've actually gotten a couple people to say "what's holding you back? you/we're still young and have every chance to do it."
Fifth, I was talking with my boss today. We've actually grown into pretty good friends over the last couple months. We were in the parking lot taking a break and she started asking me about my trip -- what I did, if I know anyone down there, all of that. Then she mentions to me if I've ever thought about moving down there. I artfully answer the question (remember, I don't lie). I say "Yeah, I've thought about it, but I'm way too poor to move anywhere." She proceeds to tell me about someone else who used to work at the Bureau who was in a similar situation to what I'm in (used the Bureau to get their feet wet in the professional world, but it isn't their world-ending dream to work there).
He, one day, just moved out to California to work in IT. He knew no one, had no job and had to find a place to live -- all that stuff -- but he did it and now he's doing really well for himself. He never would have had that opportunity had he not just taken the plunge and done it.
I know my boss well enough to know that she wasn't saying "get out now while you have the chance" so much as "don't discount it as much as you think." It's almost as if there's a feeling at the Bureau that I'm almost beyond working there, to some extent. It's a weird feeling. I have this respect from management that I've worked hard to attain and I think, at a certain point, they almost want to see me go off and do other things so I can "live up to my full potential". They've seen how hard I work and how passionate I am about doing well. It's both refreshing and worrisome as I don't want it to be the reason they'd axe me if there's another round of lay offs.
There are downsides to moving, of course, as there always are. But, I think, for me mentally, this would be a good thing. I just need to start seriously saving money to make it happen and have it work. New Orleans is definitely not the happy shiny city (comparatively) that Boston is. It's seedier; there's more crime; it's more unsafe. But, I think, I would do well to move there, go back to school, and really just get it going actually more on my own. See what I'm made of and really get to test myself.
A recurring theme in my life is "untapped potential". It's almost a mantra how often I'm told I have this in my life. This would be an opportunity for me to tap into it and really establish myself.
At this point, I'm going to do it. I've started putting pieces into place and I'm moving forward.
I'm making an action plan -- it's exhilirating and terrifying; exciting and numbing; logical and absurd. It's pretty much everything I feel I am.
And, it certainly allows me to pursue more of those question marks floating around my head.
